So, it’s been quite awhile since i wrote, but I have been thinking a great deal about a few things lately, first of which is interpersonal relationships. Be it a romantic one or a platonic one. This may get rambly and incoherent, but if you’ve read my other entries, you’ll expect that.
Let’s start with platonic relationships, or as I like to call them, friends. ALL of my life, I have been a very closed off and isolated person. I never liked to spill my deepest darkest secrets to anyone, regardless if I felt safe, or comfortable with them. Once I get to know someone, I WILL, however, open up to them… to a point. I will share some things about myself, and my past…even my trauma I experienced when i was quite young. And as strange as this sounds, I won’t open up so much about who I am, and how my experiences effected me. I also won’t tell people anything of my deepest, darkest “issues” (for lack of a better word). What I mean is, I can tell someone what’s going on with me, but I won’t get into details or severity, and there are even times (most of the time) I won’t even speak up when things are really bad. When my depression gets super bad, I hold a lot of it in. Which I am sure surprises my Facebook friends, since i seem to be very open about my mental state on that platform in particular.
I have a handful of people I can lean on or rely on, but even then, I know that when the chips are down one maybe two of them might actually go out of their way for me. I don’t expect ANYONE to wait by the phone for me to break down or crack completely. I know that I have to rely on myself, and myself alone to keep me alive and running. Now, I have people that tell me I can go to them with problems and whatnot, but honestly, I know I can’t. You can tell when someone says “I am there for you” they really aren’t. They are just “being nice”, or what they perceive to be as nice, or helpful. Many times I want to break down and tell a friend what is on my mind, but I don’t. If I REALLY opened up and told someone what I really want to do, or be, or say, or even allow my self to feel, they would turn their back and run as fast as if i pulled a gun on them. I have been attacked (verbally) for my having serious trust issues (and I will get into this more in the next section), but I do. I do NOT trust anyone 100%. It’s just sort of the way I have formed while growing up and going through what I have gone through. I “trust” SOME people with SOME details of my life, but there’s a great of me I keep to myself. I just can’t bring myself to tell anyone the entire story. I’m not sure why, but I feel like anyone would use any minor detail to bring me down” (GODDESS that sounds like paranoia!).
Anyway, yeah… it’s hard for me to even conceptualize what a “best friend” is, or what it feels like to have a confidant or someone who is like a platonic “soulmate”.
Now, as for romantic relationships… this one is a doozy! Curiously enough, while I tend to be closed of with my deepest corners of my mind and thoughts, I do however, wear my heart on my sleeve. I am very open emotionally, which is likely why I can get hurt so easily. I fall fast, and I get hurt deeply. My heart is so open to accepting another, and this causes me a great deal of pain, and mistakes. When I was 14, I got into what I would call my first “serious” relationship. I call it serious because it was the one in which I love my virginity. Of course I got my heart broken because I found out she had been cheating on me with my friends…or should I say “friends”. Then, I jumped to 18ish, and got into my first REAL serious relationship. She was awesome, we met sort of by fate, and I was utterly enamored by her the moment I saw her. We were together for (I think) 6 years…possibly 7ish. We were engaged, and it suddenly ended. I honestly can’t remember what happened, but I am sure it was something I did. We had a lot of challenges, but we also had a lot of fun, and an amazing stretch of creativity together. Then I got into a short 8 months relationship. Again VERY intense. I felt we quickly drifted apart. My memory of that time is vague in details of the ending, but I am sure I drove her away, but it crushed me because it burned so hot, but also burned out quickly. Then, I met my (now) ex-wife. We were together for 14 years or so…married for 13. Again, started roughly, and communication was probably the single biggest issue (at least for me). During my time with her I began to struggle severely with my gender identity, and when it came to a head, she became my biggest proponent, and advocate. Almost pushing me into transition, and for that I am eternally grateful.
Now, after my ex-wife and I split, I had been living as a woman for some time, and starting to feel comfortable enough in my skin to date again. For the first time in my life, I began dating men. It was all super casual until I met one guy in particular whom lived in the bay area. I was immediately star struck, but was trying to be cautious. Over a year and a half or so I had fallen hard, and finally told him I was falling in love with him. Shortly there after, he vanished. Of course i blamed myself.
So here’s the deal with all that… the past 4 and a half years of dating men I realized that I wasn’t getting what I wanted. It was sort of a slap in the face that all I was actually getting was regular sex, but nothing emotional. Not that deep “love” I had always been searching for. Lately, as of the last six months or so I have realized that I was “using” men to “verify” my femininity. I guess I thought if a guy found me attractive or even sexy, it meant i was doing the right thing in my transition. After a great deal of soul searching I realized the thing I was missing in my life was a certain energy. A particular type of energy that only a woman can provide. So, after everything I declared myself a lesbian. I felt nothing but hollow and worthless after several years of dating/being with men. That feeling I had pre-transition while dating women. I realized I desperately needed that more nurturing, compassionate, feminine energy more than the brute, straight-forward masculine energy. Now I have been pursuing, cautiously, women.
My ultimate personal relationship goal is to find a woman who can be my best friend and my lover. I know I am asking a lot, but I think it CAN happen. I just need to focus on my life, be the best and most honest me I can be, and miss right will find me.