So, I apparently have something else to say, that I happened to mention in my last post that I realized I never actually addressed. What I am talking about? I mentioned that ” I have been attacked (verbally) for my having serious trust issues (and I will get into this more in the next section), but I do. I do NOT trust anyone 100%.”. Now I will address what I mean, and maybe some ramblings about why I think this is.
Trust is not something I give lightly. When I have, I’ve always been betrayed. Friends turning their backs, lovers cheating or leaving… or even becoming emotionally unavailable. I don’t feel everyone would be like that, but I think trust, like respect, has to be earned. As I said in my previous post “I do however, wear my heart on my sleeve. I am very open emotionally, which is likely why I can get hurt so easily. I fall fast, and I get hurt deeply. My heart is so open to accepting another, and this causes me a great deal of pain, and mistakes.”.
This is painfully true. It’s sort of strange that I am so open with my heart, but not so much my mind. I guess that’s what I am trying to say. I trust, I want to trust, but I have been hurt so much I can’t quite bring myself to do so as much as others might off the top, or right away. Giving people “the benefit of the doubt” has been a challenge for me for a long time. I would love to do so more often, but I think my focus needs to be on myself, and making myself number one. I need to focus on bettering myself through a new job, exercising and improving myself in any way I see fit and that makes sense. My therapist suggested I started looking into and practicing mindfullness. I had heard of this previously, but had no idea what it entailed. She explained the basics, and gave me a a really super starting point. Now, I need to get it into practice.
So, maybe, if I can get myself in the right head space to make those changes and make some progress on bettering myself I could find myself more open to trusting people. I think that if i can get to a certain point maybe miss right will find me and I will be ready for her. OR, maybe I can find someone as broken as I am and we can nurture each others’ growth. lol
I have a couple more things coming in the next few weeks, and I think one of my goals is to write here more often… At least once a month, then, hopefully more often. Stay tuned.