By the title of this post, it may sound like I am going to talk about some tragic event, or story about porn ruining relationships and causing me physical and or emotional pain and suffering. Well, that’s half right.
I didn’t quite understand what it was at first, but upon viewing pornography for the first time, or first few times, yes, it was titillating, but there was something “else” in the back of my mind. Of course, I was so young at the time, I didn’t even know that is was exciting. I became “consumed” with it in the years to come. I viewed it in whatever form I could, and realized, yes indeed, it did turn me on, but there was still this underlying feeling I had about it, and I could not figure it out.
When I was 17/18 I went to planned parenthood with my, at the time, girlfriend. While she went back for her exam, I sat in the lobby and looked at pamphlets. One caught my attention, and I took it down to read it. It said “Gender Dysphoria” or “Gender Identity Disorder”. I believe it was the latter. After reading it, I read it again, and again. I understood what it was, and something in my mind “clicked”.
You see, I had known from around the age of five, I was…”different”. I didn’t know what it was, but I felt something was “off” about me. That my body was not my own. Quite often, I felt like I was “renting” someone else’s body. I was so disjointed from the shell I dwelled in. When I began to realize what females were, I felt a sort of kinship with them. Seeing their form, whether in porn or on tv/movies. I would look at them, then look at me and see there was something really wrong with me.
My body was not like theirs, and what was between my legs was REALLY messed up and wrong. What was this… THING just hanging there being ugly and nasty. Where was my pretty little pink slit? Where were my boobs? I felt like I was born defective or broken, and how could I ever fix the mistake and be myself, and look like those women?
Of course growing up in a small midwestern town, and in a Catholic home, I assumed I could never express these thoughts and feelings outwardly. A lot of people I knew and associated with used gay slurs, and some racists as well. I can’t even imagine what people would have thought of me if I said I was a woman trapped in a man’s body.
It took me years of therapy, and a very understanding, albeit exasperated wife to help me discover that I was indeed transgender. She insisted I see a therapist for that and helped me once I was on hormones to start dressing and wearing makeup like a woman. I didn’t have to go through the awkward stage of wearing slutty or clown makeup at the beginning stages. She was a huge part of my transition so smoothly for the first 4 years or so.
Anyway, back to the subject. Watching porn was like an out of body experience for me. Those women were so sexy and feminine. Crazy bodies and seductive “skills”. I wanted to be them so bad, but after watching, and then looking at myself in the mirror was a slap in the face. I took to eating and drinking and general self-abuse to escape the torment I felt for not being able to be myself. It was miserable, and I wanted to die.
After being in transition for *looks at the calendar* 8 years (cripes!), I am still far from being 100% happy. I have done so much physical “damage” to my body, I may never be happy, but at least I am finally able to live my true self. In the long run, that IS what is most important. I still to this day look at women, not just porn stars, and wish I could be more like them, but I think a lot of “average” women have those feelings from time to time.
