Beautiful Tragedy

I know I know… I said i was going to write more, and then went and didn’t. So, no more promises.

Anyway, here I am, so I might as well put something down. I Do have a little story to tell. So, in one of my past posts I mentioned relationships and one in particular I am going to bring up here. The one that was short (8-10 months) that burned so incredibly hot and burned out way too fast. Well, about 4 years ago, I messaged her on Facebook, to tell her about my changes (she knew me before, obviously), and to thank her for nudging me in that direction (although I struggle with it being the RIGHT one). Well, every few months I would check to see if she saw it, because there is a way to tell. Never saw it. 🙁  So, it had been probably 6 months or more from the last time I checked it, when suddenly a message popped up one morning last week. HOLEE SHIT! It’s her!

I was confused, excited, conflicted, and had all the feels. She, to me was the one that got away (but it being my fault, so the one i pushed away?). We began to chat, and the longer it went the more comfortable I got. I was so shocked she replied, let alone wanted to have a conversation with me. I assumed IF she ever saw my message, she MIGHT acknowledge it and move on. Now, before i get too far into this, I have to lead with..she’s married, has kids, lives across the country and is not gay, so no, there is no “Hollywood ending” coming.

Anyway, we talked a great deal about the past, mistakes, good times, etc. I felt so… I am not even sure how to explain it. I have loved three people in my life. My first serious gf, my ex wife and this girl. I think because I left without proper closure, I never really felt that that relationship ended the right way. If that makes sense. My first relationship had closure. My marriage had a very long period of closure (close to 2 years). But this one was different.

The day I left, I had pack my uhaul the day before, and the following morning I remember a lot of tears, and second guessing of this decision. I pulled out of the drive way, and drove down the street and around the corner. I pulled over and sat for some time. Torn between just going, and turning around and going back. Ultimately, I left, and I regretted it for quite some time.

Side bar-I don’t know who will read this, but I am friends with all three of these ladies on Facebook and i pray no one get offended or upset. I know that was never 100% emotionally available to any of them, and that’s a regret I will carry for the rest of my life. They were all very good to me, and I was terrible. You’d think i would live and learn, but I guess I will never be mature enough to have a happy healthy relationship.

Anyway, I drove back home under a cloud of regret and questioning of my decisions. I spent the next 18 years getting married and divorced and living as my true self. It’s been a huge challenge and very lately, i am beginning to question if transition wasn’t the biggest mistake I’ve made in my life. So, all of that leads me to last week. As I said we’ve been chatting seemingly nonstop for several days. It’s been very emotional, and a huge wild roller coaster for me. I quickly came to realize I still had very strong feelings for her. She’s expressed still caring for me, but nothing like what I feel.

It’s almost like because of the lack of closure in our relationship, my emotional status reignited to the point where it had been almost 20 years previous. She’s already proving to be a devout and PATIENT friend. My biggest hang up at the moment is letting go of the flame I have been holding for her, and just settle in to being her friend. I have accepted that is indeed the situation, but love is not something I can shut off so easily.

I had to have an “emergency” therapy session this week (early) to get all the crap out of my head. I talked for literally 50 minutes almost straight. My therapist did her best, but obviously next week will be interesting as well. Today, I am struggling with my depression, my identity and acceptance of life. I don’t want to adult today, but I should. Hey, I DID finally get out of bed by 2pm.

This is very therapeutic, so maybe I will try and write more of- no no no! Last time you said that it was months!!

Til next time.

M

So, I apparently have something else to say, that I happened to mention in my last post that I realized I never actually addressed. What I am talking about? I mentioned that ” I have been attacked (verbally) for my having serious trust issues (and I will get into this more in the next section), but I do. I do NOT trust anyone 100%.”. Now I will address what I mean, and maybe some ramblings about why I think this is.

Trust is not something I give lightly. When I have, I’ve always been betrayed. Friends turning their backs, lovers cheating or leaving… or even becoming emotionally unavailable. I don’t feel everyone would be like that, but I think trust, like respect, has to be earned. As I said in my previous post “I do however, wear my heart on my sleeve. I am very open emotionally, which is likely why I can get hurt so easily. I fall fast, and I get hurt deeply. My heart is so open to accepting another, and this causes me a great deal of pain, and mistakes.”.

This is painfully true. It’s sort of strange that I am so open with my heart, but not so much my mind. I guess that’s what I am trying to say. I trust, I want to trust, but I have been hurt so much I can’t quite bring myself to do so as much as others might off the top, or right away. Giving people “the benefit of the doubt” has been a challenge for me for a long time. I would love to do so more often, but I think my focus needs to be on myself, and making myself number one. I need to focus on bettering myself through a new job, exercising and improving myself in any way I see fit and that makes sense. My therapist suggested I started looking into and practicing mindfullness. I had heard of this previously, but had no idea what it entailed. She explained the basics, and gave me a a really super starting point. Now, I need to get it into practice.

So, maybe, if I can get myself in the right head space to make those changes and make some progress on bettering myself I could find myself more open to trusting people. I think that if i can get to a certain point maybe miss right will find me and I will be ready for her. OR, maybe I can find someone as broken as I am and we can nurture each others’ growth. lol

I have a couple more things coming in the next few weeks, and I think one of my goals is to write here more often… At least once a month, then, hopefully more often. Stay tuned.

So, it’s been quite awhile since i wrote, but I have been thinking a great deal about a few things lately, first of which is interpersonal relationships. Be it a romantic one or a platonic one. This may get rambly and incoherent, but if you’ve read my other entries, you’ll expect that.

Let’s start with platonic relationships, or as I like to call them, friends. ALL of my life, I have been a very closed off and isolated person. I never liked to spill my deepest darkest secrets to anyone, regardless if I felt safe, or comfortable with them. Once I get to know someone, I WILL, however, open up to them… to a point. I will share some things about myself, and my past…even my trauma I experienced when i was quite young. And as strange as this sounds, I won’t open up so much about who I am, and how my experiences effected me. I also won’t tell people anything of my deepest, darkest “issues” (for lack of a better word). What I mean is, I can tell someone what’s going on with me, but I won’t get into details or severity, and there are even times (most of the time) I won’t even speak up when things are really bad. When my depression gets super bad, I hold a lot of it in. Which I am sure surprises my Facebook friends, since i seem to be very open about my mental state on that platform in particular.

I have a handful of people I can lean on or rely on, but even then, I know that when the chips are down one maybe two of them might actually go out of their way for me. I don’t expect ANYONE to wait by the phone for me to break down or crack completely. I know that I have to rely on myself, and myself alone to keep me alive and running. Now, I have people that tell me I can go to them with problems and whatnot, but honestly, I know I can’t. You can tell when someone says “I am there for you” they really aren’t. They are just “being nice”, or what they perceive to be as nice, or helpful. Many times I want to break down and tell a friend what is on my mind, but I don’t. If I REALLY opened up and told someone what I really want to do, or be, or say, or even allow my self to feel, they would turn their back and run as fast as if i pulled a gun on them. I have been attacked (verbally) for my having serious trust issues (and I will get into this more in the next section), but I do. I do NOT trust anyone 100%. It’s just sort of the way I have formed while growing up and going through what I have gone through. I “trust” SOME people with SOME details of my life, but there’s a great of me I keep to myself. I just can’t bring myself to tell anyone the entire story. I’m not sure why, but I feel like anyone would use any minor detail to bring me down” (GODDESS that sounds like paranoia!).

Anyway, yeah… it’s hard for me to even conceptualize what a “best friend” is, or what it feels like to have a confidant or someone who is like a platonic “soulmate”.

 

Now, as for romantic relationships… this one is a doozy! Curiously enough, while I tend to be closed of with my deepest corners of my mind and thoughts, I do however, wear my heart on my sleeve. I am very open emotionally, which is likely why I can get hurt so easily. I fall fast, and I get hurt deeply. My heart is so open to accepting another, and this causes me a great deal of pain, and mistakes. When I was 14, I got into what I would call my first “serious” relationship. I call it serious because it was the one in which I love my virginity. Of course I got my heart broken because I found out she had been cheating on me with my friends…or should I say “friends”. Then, I jumped to 18ish, and got into my first REAL serious relationship. She was awesome, we met sort of by fate, and I was utterly enamored by her the moment I saw her. We were together for (I think) 6 years…possibly 7ish. We were engaged, and it suddenly ended. I honestly can’t remember what happened, but I am sure it was something I did. We had a lot of challenges, but we also had a lot of fun, and an amazing stretch of creativity together. Then I got into a short 8 months relationship. Again VERY intense. I felt we quickly drifted apart. My memory of that time is vague in details of the ending, but I am sure I drove her away, but it crushed me because it burned so hot, but also burned out quickly. Then, I met my (now) ex-wife. We were together for 14 years or so…married for 13. Again, started roughly, and communication was probably the single biggest issue (at least for me). During my time with her I began to struggle severely with my gender identity, and when it came to a head, she became my biggest proponent, and advocate. Almost pushing me into transition, and for that I am eternally grateful.

Now, after my ex-wife and I split, I had been living as a woman for some time, and starting to feel comfortable enough in my skin to date again. For the first time in my life, I began dating men. It was all super casual until I met one guy in particular whom lived in the bay area. I was immediately star struck, but was trying to be cautious. Over a year and a half or so I had fallen hard, and finally told him I was falling in love with him. Shortly there after, he vanished. Of course i blamed myself.

So here’s the deal with all that… the past 4 and a half years of dating men I realized that I wasn’t getting what I wanted. It was sort of a slap in the face that all I was actually getting was regular sex, but nothing emotional. Not that deep “love” I had always been searching for. Lately, as of the last six months or so I have realized that I was “using” men to “verify” my femininity. I guess I thought if a guy found me attractive or even sexy, it meant i was doing the right thing in my transition. After a great deal of soul searching I realized the thing I was missing in my life was a certain energy. A particular type of energy that only a woman can provide. So, after everything I declared myself a lesbian. I felt nothing but hollow and worthless after several years of dating/being with men. That feeling I had pre-transition while dating women. I realized I desperately needed that more nurturing, compassionate, feminine energy more than the brute, straight-forward masculine energy. Now I have been pursuing, cautiously, women.

My ultimate personal relationship goal is to find a woman who can be my best friend and my lover. I know I am asking a lot, but I think it CAN happen. I just need to focus on my life, be the best and most honest me I can be, and miss right will find me.

So, I play a lot of table top war games… or I guess I should say I like to collect rule sets and minis. The best or worst thing that happened to me was discovering Anvil Industries. What does Anvil do? They create not only bit s and bops to convert other companies minis, they create two separate complete lines. Exo Lords are basically space marines (slightly larger scale sci fi warriors), and their regiments line, which is mind blowingly vast. Using their minis, I have created two “complete” forces for my own table top war game rules set.

Side tangent, I’ve been working off and on on this rules set for close to two decades. It’s been rewritten and refined several times over the years, and where it stand right now is pretty good. I am pretty pleased with the state of the rules as written. I call it The Fall of Man: Shattered Earth.

Anyway, I have been plat-testing the rules every so often, and did so again last night. Without a detailed battle report, I wanted to share some pics of the fight.

 

 

 

 

I am planning on doing another game today, and making sure I am focused on the details. Making sure I didn’t miss anything. Possibly even adding in a supernatural hero or two.

Well, mine seems to be.

When I was younger, I always saw myself as a straight male (even though I never thought of myself as a male, I just thought it was what i had to be). As I got older, and exposed to more different types of people outside of the tiny little town I grew up in, in the Midwest. I kissed another guy, and did not enjoy it. I’m not sure why, but it did nothing for me. Still later, after I begun my transition I begun to see men in a different light. Whether it was the hormones, or something else… like settling in to life as a female, I saw men WAY different. Even started dating men, and having sex with them (obviously after my wife and I split). Enjoying being with men, and being the “submissive” side of an intimate relationship.

All of that leads to the point of this entry. I feel my attraction to men waning once again. I feel I continue to be bisexual (possibly pan-sexual) but my attraction is leaning WAY more toward women. My desire to be with a woman in a romantic relationship is becoming overwhelming. I actually miss the energy of being with a woman in a romantic way. It’s very hard to describe exactly what I mean, but I have this desire for that energy and vibe again.

Now for the problem. As far as I can tell, most genetic females aren’t interested in being with a pre-op trans woman. The only woman I see with trans women were with them before transition and there is a long and deep connection. That may sound like I am just throwing a whole group of people in one bucket, and hey, maybe women just don’t find ME attractive. That’s very well possible.

I was discussing this a little with my housemate today, and how most guys who approach me are more fetishists and want to “see what it’s like” or teach them how to date a trans girl. How? wtf!? Treat her like any other girl, and you’re done. I also have another interesting observation about guys who are interested in me. They are typically HALF my age. Most recently a 22 year old contacted me via a TG dating site who wanted me to teach him. I told him he was too young and I am too tired to “teach” anyone anything.

As stated in another entry, I’ve always been attracted to women. Maybe men was a passing fancy, or just a side thought. I honestly don’t know. It’s all overwhelming, and a little confusing.

So, what this is ultimately about? Well, the changes my sexuality has gone through, and it’s entirely possible, it could change yet again.

I have zero plans for this vlog. At least this entry. I have had a huge down turn in my mental state as of late before that Warhammer 40 8th edition was released and that took up a lot of my time with assembly and painting. I busted through a double set of the Primaris Marines and a Tactical squad of regular marines. I stalled out on another tac squad and my captain. As well as my land speeder. I have them sitting in front of me on my desk as a reminder that they won’t paint themselves.

I (as you will see over time) have a love-hate relationship with Facebook. I use it all the time, but there are moments I want to delete my account and never look at it again.

Here’s a VERY brief story about FB. I used to belong to a group that was for gamers with disabilities. I have several, but the two biggest are my depression and tremors. Anyway, there was a post about able-bodied supporters and a certain Admin was absolutely not and proceeded to (apparently) mistype that physical and mental illness were also not allowed. Three of us called her on it, and instead of saying she didn’t mean that, she kept jumping on us about it. For some reason, she felt the need to remove me from the group, but not the others. After a day or two, she installed me back in.

A couple days later I posted about my depression and down swing, right after getting a command squad for my marine army. A few of the group members said they were there for me if i needed to talk. She immediately locked the thread and said the guys were being creepy. (HUH?) Anyway, i asked her why, and she said she didn’t want it getting out of hand, which is was miles from ever happening. So eventually she decided to remove me again from the group and in turn block me so I couldn’t get answers.

I didn’t break any rules, yet I got punished twice. I loved that group, and it hasn’t helped my depression to be removed, there were lots of super cool people who were very supportive.

This is my basic army (Dark Imperium box set times 2).

I’ll do a post last with their fluff.

Anyway, I soldier forth… alone as usual.

By the title of this post, it may sound like I am going to talk about some tragic event, or story about porn ruining relationships and causing me physical and or emotional pain and suffering. Well, that’s half right.

I didn’t quite understand what it was at first, but upon viewing pornography for the first time, or first few times, yes, it was titillating, but there was something “else” in the back of my mind. Of course, I was so young at the time, I didn’t even know that is was exciting. I became “consumed” with it in the years to come. I viewed it in whatever form I could, and realized, yes indeed, it did turn me on, but there was still this underlying feeling I had about it, and I could not figure it out.

When I was 17/18 I went to planned parenthood with my, at the time, girlfriend. While she went back for her exam, I sat in the lobby and looked at pamphlets. One caught my attention, and I took it down to read it. It said “Gender Dysphoria” or “Gender Identity Disorder”. I believe it was the latter. After reading it, I read it again, and again. I understood what it was, and something in my mind “clicked”.

You see, I had known from around the age of five, I was…”different”. I didn’t know what it was, but I felt something was “off” about me. That my body was not my own. Quite often, I felt like I was “renting” someone else’s body. I was so disjointed from the shell I dwelled in. When I began to realize what females were, I felt a sort of kinship with them. Seeing their form, whether in porn or on tv/movies. I would look at them, then look at me and see there was something really wrong with me.

My body was not like theirs, and what was between my legs was REALLY messed up and wrong. What was this… THING just hanging there being ugly and nasty. Where was my pretty little pink slit? Where were my boobs? I felt like I was born defective or broken, and how could I ever fix the mistake and be myself, and look like those women?

Of course growing up in a small midwestern town, and in a Catholic home, I assumed I could never express these thoughts and feelings outwardly. A lot of people I knew and associated with used gay slurs, and some racists as well. I can’t even imagine what people would have thought of me if I said I was a woman trapped in a man’s body.

It took me years of therapy, and a very understanding, albeit exasperated wife to help me discover that I was indeed transgender. She insisted I see a therapist for that and helped me once I was on hormones to start dressing and wearing makeup like a woman. I didn’t have to go through the awkward stage of wearing slutty or clown makeup at the beginning stages. She was a huge part of my transition so smoothly for the first 4 years or so.

Anyway, back to the subject. Watching porn was like an out of body experience for me. Those women were so sexy and feminine. Crazy bodies and seductive “skills”. I wanted to be them so bad, but after watching, and then looking at myself in the mirror was a slap in the face. I took to eating and drinking and general self-abuse to escape the torment I felt for not being able to be myself. It was miserable, and I wanted to die.

After being in transition for *looks at the calendar* 8 years (cripes!), I am still far from being 100% happy. I have done so much physical “damage” to my body, I may never be happy, but at least I am finally able to live my true self. In the long run, that IS what is most important. I still to this day look at women, not just porn stars, and wish I could be more like them, but I think a lot of “average” women have those feelings from time to time.

Keep in mind, in my intro, I promised I would be sharing kinks and perversions… and this blog is adults only.

So I have a LONG history with porn, having been exposed to it when I was quite young by my older brother. My young impressionable mind was twisted and warped forever. Later, I consumed a lot of porn, strangely, it was almost exclusively girl/girl or lesbian porn. Still my personal favorite. There was even a time I considered getting into porn and was even approached to do so. Did I mention I am trans, so it would be kinky porn? I was very close to actually flying to Texas to shoot a handful of scenes, but I ultimately turned down the offer. I do still get offers from time to time, but I don’t believe it’s in the cards. On the other hand, I have considered trying to look into writing (I know I know), producing and or directing some day.

The other side of this coin is my thoughts on being in the industry in some way. An advocate, or agent possibly. It’s curious, I appreciate what the men and women do, and know it can’t always be easy, and I would like to be an advocate for making it safe and clean. I have no idea HOW I would do that, but I think, from what I know, that it is rare unless you are a top star. I actually wrote a script/story for a porn video starring three of my favorite girls; Dani Daniels, Darcie Dolce, and Celeste Star.

Then there’s my writing. I have started a page on Literotica, and published one 4 part trans erotic love story, and a one part lesbian incest story. I know what your thinking, incest is illegal. But fiction can’t be…, right? Ironically, There are a combined 7,000 reads with all four part of my trans story, and nearly 8,600 reads for the incest story. Apparently, that’s a WAY bigger fetish. People have really enjoyed both works for apparently different reasons.

Here is one sweet comment I got with part one;

“thank you so much for submitting this story, I can’t wait to read more after reading this lovely beginning I am also trans, i am only at the start my transition .this story means a lot to me .this has the beginnings to be an amazing story. I wish you much love xoxo.”

Here is one from part 4;

“I’ve been looking forward to each installment. And, seriously, you’re just going to throw Nikki in there and consider letting it end with no resolution on THAT? That’s the literary equivalent of blue balls! Haha! Yes, by all means, take a break, but please do come back to it.”

It’s very inspiring to have people enjoy my writing, and makes me want to get my novel out there.

On the flip side, here are a couple comments from my incest story;

“I really liked this. Feels like a sweet start for a wonderful story.

The story had a nice flow to it overall. There was a hint of their personalities, good for such a short piece. The interaction between the sisters was skillfully executed and beautifully varied, I really got the feeling it’s two people who have known each other for a long time but are also in love and really care for each other. For instance, I loved that little “What’s wrong with me?” “Not a thing.” (while casually playing with her phone). Rather than big theatrical emotions, these are the gems that make me smile.

Thank you for writing this story, I enjoyed it.”

and:

“It’s been a very long time since I read a lesbian incest story so captivating and entertaining and now I’m sitting here with real expectations for more, there is a whole week left of Daphne’s break so a lot of possibilities to explore and expand their horizons and feelings. I fully agree with JessicaS about your style, it’s fresh and liberating without trying too hard at that – congrats!

Gave you 5*, both for the execution of this and out of hope for future installments. Thanks for making my day!”

 

I also got a few direct emails from users praising my work. I have definitely been inspired to start part two of my incest story, and eventually get back to my trans story.

Ironically, porn doesn’t “do it” for me all that much anymore. I have become completely numb to much of it, and it bores me.

Next time, I will discuss the other side of my porn addiction and why it was more painful than a turn on.

thanks for reading,

Shaman

I will be sharing my artwork, not all of which is safe for work, so just a heads up.

 

 

 

Hey, everyone, my name is Shaman at Dawn and I am starting this blog to share with the world my art, my writing, my kink, my perversions, and my insanities. This blog is very much adults only, read at your own risk.